i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
