im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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