I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
