Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
