i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He shit in the fireplace
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
