Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
