I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
