you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
