My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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