i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize