Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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