Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
