I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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