omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
