Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
