My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
