not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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