So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize