I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
