If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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