Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
