Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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