The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
