He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
