I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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