You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
