Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
