My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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