true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
