My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
