Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
