i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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