I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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