Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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