WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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