Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
