Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
