Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
