So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
