My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
