I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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