piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
