Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
