dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
