I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
