Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
