At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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