I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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