If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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