he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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