This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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