And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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