You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
