The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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