I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
