We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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