A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
