dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Randomize
