matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
