I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
