New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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