I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize